Dear Dixie

Well folks it’s Michigan week.  And as you all know, it’s not good for your health to constantly walk around with such hatred flowing through your veins.  Save all that hate for game day.  Instead, jot down a couple of questions, however random they are, and use the hashtag #DearDixie.  Each week I’ll be taking questions from our fan base, and answering them with snark, knowledge, and complete tomfoolery.  You can remain anonymous if you choose, or you can show the world your inner workings.  Without further ado, here are this weeks gems. Thanks to @Dcare24, @emily_metz, @BraeBeadles34, @irishyoder1,@MrsTruj, @bhaydon5 and @Candice4ND for your head scratching questions.

Dear Dixie:

Do you think Serena Wiliams is the best female athlete of all time?

– No way.  Kerri Strug.

Is the QB coach single?

– I put phone calls into Matt Lafleurs office and I got no response.  Although, his Tinder page is pretty hopping.

The Fireplace in my house is electric.  What should I do?

– Dont piss in it.  Seriously, who pees in fireplaces?

Would you still approve the ND leprechaun even if he wasn’t a ginger?

– Having red hair isn’t a prerequisite.  However, gingers are more aerodynamic.

Who was the better ND QB, Jimmy Clausen or Tommy Rees?

-No.

Would you be willing to give your left nut for a ND championship?

– Would you believe me if i said I already have?  Fucking Bama.

Tom Hammond or Pam Ward?

-They aren’t the same person?

Depo shot or IUD?

– Wrong person to ask.  We just had a child.

Would you rather share a hot tub with Kiffykins or Hoke?

-Simple.  Set it, and forget it!

Should I rip out my grass and replace with field turf?

– Do you want cancer?

Man thong or whitey tighties?

– Consult the song Freeballin by Tom Petty and the Nut Breakers

Kentucky or Louisville?

-Murray State.  Racers til I die!

What’s going to be more of a cluster fuck, #AskJameis or #DearDixie?

– Us Irish fans strive for greatness don’t we?

Why does my cat shit on the floor and not my litter box?

– Well personally, I like to have my feet on solid ground while I’m deucing.  But I’m not a cat.  Ask Jinxy.

Do you think ND should bring back Bob Davie as head coach?

-Do you think it’s also wise to bring back polio?

More likely to cheat on their wife, Pete Carol or Lane Kiffin?

– Considering they both screwed over their programs as head coaches, I’m going with Pete.  Lane proved he couldn’t score.  Dude deflated his balls.

Tenuta or Baer?

-Gary Darnell

Favorite fight song other than ND?

-Harry Caray’s “Take me out to the ballgame.”

If there was a team you wished ND would play every year, who would it be?

– UGA.  I actually think we’re a lot alike.

Hoodie or half zip pullover jacket or carhartt overalls?

– Nekkid overalls.

ND dream team announcing crew?

-Bob Uecker and John Madden.

BK’s nipples or Charlie Weis’ snot bubbles?

-NIPS FOR THE WIN

What’s the meaning of life?

– There’s one in every crowd huh. Never trust a talking lizard named Edgar.  Seriously, its a baaaaad move.  Also, 42.

Who’s hotter, Brady Quinn or Cam McDaniel?

– Their lovechild, Cam Quinn.

Would you rather throw verts or fades every play?

– ALWAYS RUN THE DAMN BALL.

If you could drink with any ND coach, who would it be and why?  Also, is the QB coach single?

– Matt Lafleur, because I’m trying to hook y’all up.

Over/under 3 pairs of jean shorts in Jack Swarbrick’s wardrobe?

-They’re pronounced jorts, and Jack knows how to party.  Over.

Little Debbie or Hostess?

-Diabeetus for $400 Alex.

Are you more proud of the Sun Bowl win, or the Pinstripe Win?

– FUCK USC

Who would have a better 40 time: Verne Lundquist or Charlie Weis?

-What’s at the finish line?  A turducken?  Verne.

Do you feel that the fullback is under utilized in BK’s offense?

– RUN THE DAMN BALL.  But seriously, I love fullbacks.

If we could nickname the type of offense that ND runs what would it be?

-Shake and Bake.

Are you a boobs or butt guy?

– I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny. When a girl walks in with a little bitty waste and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG.

Breakout player for ND this year?  Also, possible freshman of the year?

– Jaylon Smith for breakout player.  I just can’t say enough about that kid.  I think once Tyler Luatua gets implemented in the offense, he’s gonna explode.

Does the carpet match the drapes?

– You mean the hardwoods?

Do you find the term “Fighting Irish” offensive?

– YOU WANNA THROW DOWN BRUH?

Happy Gilmore or Tin Cup?

– Caddyshack dude!

Why can’t ND beat Michigan consistently?

– I just don’t think we play the entire 60 minutes.  That’s changing this week.

Why won’t you come to a home game?

– Buy me a plane ticket and I’m there.  Overalls and all.

@Irishfootball11 got a gold iPhone, a phone normally reserved for girls, to match ND’s helmets.  Is this acceptable?

-What do you expect?  It’s Jared.  Nothing he does is acceptable.

How do you grow such a lustrous beard?

-Peanut butter and lard. Also, Notre Dame victories.

 

Be sure to send your questions using the hashtag #DearDixie.  I’ll be taking questions from Thursday to Sunday every week.  Go Irish!

-Dixie

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