All posts by dixiedomer

Dear Dixie – Week 2. Post scUM.

Well it’s post scUM week, and it shows in y’alls questions.  While there are a couple of witty questions, most sound like they were thought up during a horrible hangover.  I still answered them to the best of my ability.  A LOT of questions were not included due to the graphic nature of them.  Here they are in all their glory.  Thanks to @irishfootball11, @mrmayhem75, @HoosIrish, @BraeBeadles34, @BravoSarno, @bhaydon5, @JBNDFAN, @Stan_Cherry, @jharlow23, @mr_jt412, @MrsTruj, @stickamania, @PackyP, @kickassmjh, and @TheShamRap.  Keep em coming y’all.

How do you keep that glorious beard of yours so soft?  Mines getting pretty rough.

-It’s my understanding that this question needed to be answered first.  Understandable.  Simple, the tears of defeated opponents make for excellent conditioner.  But seriously, just conditioner.

What is the proper punishment for someone who drops a full jar of Apple Pie Moonshine?

-Besides a season long ban from tailgating? 

Why does Brae still look like a 13 year old punk?

-You really wish he was 17 huh?

Joe has 10 apples. Anthony gives him 13 more.  How many apples does Brad have?

-Didn’t I tell you I went to art school?

In the movie “Encino Man” a cave man was taught to exist in present day society.  Does this mean @irishfootball11 has a chance?

-Not likely.  He is no Brendan Fraser.

I heard Down The Tunnel has achieved Notre Dame blog supremacy.  Is the air crisper at the top?

-O’Doyle Rulez.

I couldn’t get an answer from #AskJameis so I’ll give #DearDixie a chance:  Drawn butter or cocktail sauce?

-Can anyone really get an answer from him?  Refer to his NCG post game speech for proof.

What in the hell happened to the flag in the student section?

-Have you ever tried to get dressed/undressed while drunk?  Same concept.

You said after the game, that you were going to conceive baby number #2.  I don’t get it.  Please explain?

-It’s ok.  Neither did Mrs. Dixie.

Of your total number of tweets you have tweeted, How many would you say were composed on the throne?

-The easy answer is 2 right?

At what age is it appropriate to start taking viagra?

-How old is Brady Hoke?

Bob Diaco’s luscious hair or BVG’s sweet stache?

-Brian Kelly’s Nips.

In rankings of best states to raise girls, Michigan came in at 28th place.  Rankings fair?

-Michigan rarely makes it into the top 25.  But hey, at least we aren’t Mississippi.

I just farted in my office, and my secretary walks in. 1) What does it smell like? 2) Can I blame i on her?

-The second question depends on the answer to the first.  If it smells like jalapeño cheese brats and stale PBR, its highly doubtful you can blame it on her. 

Has Michigan scored yet?

-Nope.   

Is a burrito a Mexican sandwich?

-Is that the same as a donkey show?

A bottle of Jameson, reserved for post scUM celebration was missing.  Has it been found?

-Why are you looking at me?  *Shoves altoids in mouth

Should I be embarrassed that I love “All About That Base”

-Not nearly as embarrassing as my Ace of Base t-shirt collection.

Do you like foot longs?

-I know you do Jared.

How can you REspond, but just not Spond?

-Life’s a bitch ain’t it?

Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult?

-No, but I have pooped on my Grandma-in-laws floor.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck, could chuck, wood?

-Ask IrishFootball11.  He knows all about chucking wood.

I have a Michigan fan to my left, and a roll of toilet paper to my right.  What do I let kiss my ass first?

-They’re both used to handling copious amounts of poo. Michigan is softer too.

Could Jaylon Smith become a better player than Manti?

-Damn tough question.  I think he will end up with better career stats than Manti.  Will he have a greater impact on the team than Manti?  We shall see, but his future is BRIGHT.

What now?

BxDeBBeCQAAnlK1

-God gave you hands for a reason.

To prepare for my dance off against GoIrishGlory, what training program do you recommend?

-Do the Stanky Leg.

Would you rather have a beer with Kirk Herbstreit  or Mark May?

-Lee Corso.  He curses on live TV and plays with guns.

Dear Dixie

Well folks it’s Michigan week.  And as you all know, it’s not good for your health to constantly walk around with such hatred flowing through your veins.  Save all that hate for game day.  Instead, jot down a couple of questions, however random they are, and use the hashtag #DearDixie.  Each week I’ll be taking questions from our fan base, and answering them with snark, knowledge, and complete tomfoolery.  You can remain anonymous if you choose, or you can show the world your inner workings.  Without further ado, here are this weeks gems. Thanks to @Dcare24, @emily_metz, @BraeBeadles34, @irishyoder1,@MrsTruj, @bhaydon5 and @Candice4ND for your head scratching questions.

Dear Dixie:

Do you think Serena Wiliams is the best female athlete of all time?

– No way.  Kerri Strug.

Is the QB coach single?

– I put phone calls into Matt Lafleurs office and I got no response.  Although, his Tinder page is pretty hopping.

The Fireplace in my house is electric.  What should I do?

– Dont piss in it.  Seriously, who pees in fireplaces?

Would you still approve the ND leprechaun even if he wasn’t a ginger?

– Having red hair isn’t a prerequisite.  However, gingers are more aerodynamic.

Who was the better ND QB, Jimmy Clausen or Tommy Rees?

-No.

Would you be willing to give your left nut for a ND championship?

– Would you believe me if i said I already have?  Fucking Bama.

Tom Hammond or Pam Ward?

-They aren’t the same person?

Depo shot or IUD?

– Wrong person to ask.  We just had a child.

Would you rather share a hot tub with Kiffykins or Hoke?

-Simple.  Set it, and forget it!

Should I rip out my grass and replace with field turf?

– Do you want cancer?

Man thong or whitey tighties?

– Consult the song Freeballin by Tom Petty and the Nut Breakers

Kentucky or Louisville?

-Murray State.  Racers til I die!

What’s going to be more of a cluster fuck, #AskJameis or #DearDixie?

– Us Irish fans strive for greatness don’t we?

Why does my cat shit on the floor and not my litter box?

– Well personally, I like to have my feet on solid ground while I’m deucing.  But I’m not a cat.  Ask Jinxy.

Do you think ND should bring back Bob Davie as head coach?

-Do you think it’s also wise to bring back polio?

More likely to cheat on their wife, Pete Carol or Lane Kiffin?

– Considering they both screwed over their programs as head coaches, I’m going with Pete.  Lane proved he couldn’t score.  Dude deflated his balls.

Tenuta or Baer?

-Gary Darnell

Favorite fight song other than ND?

-Harry Caray’s “Take me out to the ballgame.”

If there was a team you wished ND would play every year, who would it be?

– UGA.  I actually think we’re a lot alike.

Hoodie or half zip pullover jacket or carhartt overalls?

– Nekkid overalls.

ND dream team announcing crew?

-Bob Uecker and John Madden.

BK’s nipples or Charlie Weis’ snot bubbles?

-NIPS FOR THE WIN

What’s the meaning of life?

– There’s one in every crowd huh. Never trust a talking lizard named Edgar.  Seriously, its a baaaaad move.  Also, 42.

Who’s hotter, Brady Quinn or Cam McDaniel?

– Their lovechild, Cam Quinn.

Would you rather throw verts or fades every play?

– ALWAYS RUN THE DAMN BALL.

If you could drink with any ND coach, who would it be and why?  Also, is the QB coach single?

– Matt Lafleur, because I’m trying to hook y’all up.

Over/under 3 pairs of jean shorts in Jack Swarbrick’s wardrobe?

-They’re pronounced jorts, and Jack knows how to party.  Over.

Little Debbie or Hostess?

-Diabeetus for $400 Alex.

Are you more proud of the Sun Bowl win, or the Pinstripe Win?

– FUCK USC

Who would have a better 40 time: Verne Lundquist or Charlie Weis?

-What’s at the finish line?  A turducken?  Verne.

Do you feel that the fullback is under utilized in BK’s offense?

– RUN THE DAMN BALL.  But seriously, I love fullbacks.

If we could nickname the type of offense that ND runs what would it be?

-Shake and Bake.

Are you a boobs or butt guy?

– I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny. When a girl walks in with a little bitty waste and a round thing in your face you get SPRUNG.

Breakout player for ND this year?  Also, possible freshman of the year?

– Jaylon Smith for breakout player.  I just can’t say enough about that kid.  I think once Tyler Luatua gets implemented in the offense, he’s gonna explode.

Does the carpet match the drapes?

– You mean the hardwoods?

Do you find the term “Fighting Irish” offensive?

– YOU WANNA THROW DOWN BRUH?

Happy Gilmore or Tin Cup?

– Caddyshack dude!

Why can’t ND beat Michigan consistently?

– I just don’t think we play the entire 60 minutes.  That’s changing this week.

Why won’t you come to a home game?

– Buy me a plane ticket and I’m there.  Overalls and all.

@Irishfootball11 got a gold iPhone, a phone normally reserved for girls, to match ND’s helmets.  Is this acceptable?

-What do you expect?  It’s Jared.  Nothing he does is acceptable.

How do you grow such a lustrous beard?

-Peanut butter and lard. Also, Notre Dame victories.

 

Be sure to send your questions using the hashtag #DearDixie.  I’ll be taking questions from Thursday to Sunday every week.  Go Irish!

-Dixie